Repetition Kills You
by EdwardCorvin17
Summary: The Cullen couples have one week to win the award for most extreme sexcapade, judged by Tanya, Kate, and Garrett. Rated M for language and lemons. Crackfic. Extremely OOC.


**A/N: An unlikely text message conversation in the wee hours of the morning between two fanpires led to the conception of the most outrageous competition the Cullens have ever seen..... **

**This story is coauthored with Vampire Chaud (who hasn't made an account yet, but definitely should). This story is rated M for language and lemons/smut later on, for this is basically just a smut-fic. This is our first try with writing lemons, so if you have any advice or comments, please leave them in reviews (which we love to read!). Warning: extremely OOC characters. Be warned.**

BPOV

"Well, I can't say as I've ever done this before in all of my years, but I'm honored to judge for you," Tanya smirked.

"If I understand the rules correctly, you all have one week to have intercourse in the most numerous and the most extreme places? And, at the end of the week, Tanya, Garrett, and myself are to pick a winning couple?" Kate clarified.

"Hell, yes," Rosalie answered.

Emmett vigorously nodded his head. "So, when do we start?" Dear God. That man is never _not_ horny! Edward's mouth twitched. Oh, right, I took my shield off.

"Wait right there, children!" Esme yelled. "Do you mean to tell me that you are competing against each other in some kind of...of... sexual Olympics?!"

"Well, the Olympics were originally a pagan tournament," Carlisle pointed out.

"Don't encourage them!" Esme fumed.

"What? It's not like we didn't already know that they have sex. So do we," Carlisle shrugged. Huh. I'd never thought of the good doctor getting down and dirty. Once again, Edward nearly broke out in a smile. Where were these thoughts coming from?

"Fine! But we can't let Nessie be exposed to all of this nonsense!" Esme demanded.

I started. Nessie and Jake. Crap. They can know nothing of this.

"Don't worry, Esme. Carmen and Eleazer already invited Renesmee and Jacob to come and visit Denali for a week while everyone else here is...busy," said Kate. Busy. Good euphemism.

"'Everyone else here'?" Esme asked. "As in, including Carlisle and myself?"

"Well, I presumed so, but if you'd rather not...," Tanya left off.

"Yes, I'd rather not. I think Carlisle and I will take a little vacation and stay away from all of this...this shit!"

"We're not staying?" Carlisle pouted. Wow.... I've never seen this side of him. Didn't think that I ever wanted to, actually. Apparently the good doctor really enjoys being a... doctor. He's not actually a certified gynecologist is he, Edward? Edward shook his head, smirking.

Garrett raised his hand, startling everyone. "I have a question... Can the judges make suggestions?" he asked sheepishly. Everyone stared at him in silence until Alice softly giggled.

"Sure, we're always open to suggestions!" she laughed, elbowing Jasper, who grinned at her.

"No. No suggestions. This is between the couples to show their creativity," Rosalie glared at Garrett as if he had insulted her.

"Alright, alright, I was just inquiring," Garrett said defensively. "I didn't mean to insult your intellect...creativity...sex drive...whatever."

"Don't worry, Rosie. I've got my creativity turned on high. Just like my--" Emmett started.

"No! I don't want to hear it! Bella, Edward, I cannot believe you're going along with this! My innocent and pure son," Esme wept. Then, straightening up, she turned commanding again. "Carlisle and I will leave momentarily, and we'll take Nessie and Jacob up to Denali before we start our vacation.

"Do we _really_ have to leave?" Carlisle whined.

"Yes! Now go pack! I'll get Nessie's things." Just then, my baby girl walked in, holding Jake's hand.

"Momma? What's going on?" she asked, looking confused. I picked her up, hugging her to my chest.

"I have something exciting to tell you both," I said to her and Jacob. "Esme and Carlisle are going to drop you off in Denali. Carmen has invited the both of you to visit her for a week!" It wasn't that I wanted to get rid of my child and my best friend, but holding Nessie--Renesmee!--was bringing back memories of her conception. Broken headboards...feathers...ooohhh yeah. Edward's gaze jerked up to mine, trapping my eyes in his molten golden gaze.

"Ahem," Esme cleared her throat, holding her arms out for Nessie. Even though her demeanor was serious, I could see a twinkle in her eyes and a small smile playing about her lips. "I really do not want to say this, but, ah, have fun, kids," she sighed as she gently took Nessie out of my arms.

"Bye, Momma. I'll see you soon." She reached up and pulled my face down to her's and kissed my cheek. With her left hand, she touched my other cheek and sent me images of her hugging me and pictures of Edward, her, and me together as a family. Edward rushed over and kissed her forehead. Esme and Nessie waved as they walked out of the door and towards the garage with Carlisle trailing behind them meekly and reluctantly. Jake walked over to me.

"Well, it looks like I'm going to Alaska. Bye Bells," he said, looking at me in confusion about his sudden and unexpected visit to Alaska.

"Don't ask. Say hi to Carmen and Eleazer for me, please," I asked, waving at him as he, too, walked out of the house.

"So, can we start now?" Emmett begged.

"Yeah, sure, the next week is your's. After every venture, report back to your assigned team judge--your vampire umpire--who will then record what location you chose. Emmett, wait!" Tanya scolded him for immediately beginning to grope Rosalie. "Draw names out of the bowl for your judge first. Jasper, you can draw first." Hesitantly, Jasper reached into the crystal bowl and pulled out a folded piece of paper.

"Who'd we get?" Alice asked excitedly. Shit, Alice's enthusiasm even applies to choosing a sex umpire? As if somehow sensing my thoughts, Alice stuck her tongue out at me.

"Garrett," he stated, seeming somewhat relieved. I guess it would be semi-awkward to discuss his sexual ventures with another woman. Emmett, on the other hand, I doubted would have the same reluctance to share his conquests.

"Alright, we've picked. Can Jasper and I get started now?" Alice asked impatiently.

"Eager, are you?" asked Emmett.

"Shut up! It's not like you ever think of anything except your dick!" Alice shot back at him.

"Touché," Emmett said impishly.

"Alright, you two. Alice, can't you wait for the other two teams to draw?" Tanya asked.

"No, dammit! I'm all horny now, thanks to Jasper's playing with my emotions! Besides, Emmett will pick you and Edward will draw Kate's name. Now, come on, Jasper. It's time to pay up for all of the lurid feelings I'm getting!" She grabbed his hand and pulled him out of the house. Her squeal was audible as Jasper...well, I'd rather not find out exactly what Jasper did.

"Alright, then. I suppose you're free to do as you wish. Kate, Garrett, and I will be around the house most of the time. Have at it!" Emmett and Rose were out the door before Tanya finished her sentence.

"It looks like we're the only ones left, Mrs. Cullen," Edward whispered as he stared down into my eyes. I felt the familiar butterflies in my stomach, as well as my face and some of the other parts of my body heat up. "If you don't want to know what Jasper is doing to Alice, do you want to know what I'm going to do to you?" he asked, seductively.

"Alright, well, I suppose that's our cue to leave, huh, Garrett?" Kate asked. "All of these...intense sexual feelings...are catching, aren't they?"

"Yes, indeed," Garrett laughed, pulling her up the stairs.

"So, um, where to first?" I asked, feeling nervous for some reason.

"How about I surprise you, Spidermonkey?" Edward asked, pulling me onto his back and jumping out the open window.


End file.
